Hi, I’m Angélica with apostrophe but you can call me Angel (is just another nickname out of the many I already have). I’m about to turn 24 in a couple of weeks which has me terrified —shit, this was all well written in my head. Is like my brain got scared at the paper— because it just feels as if I had been doing nothing with my life.
This year so far I’ve tried to fix the cutie mess I am. SPOILER ALERT! Hasn’t go so well. Hobbies got mixed with priorities and lots of sleepless nights, oh! and let’s not forget about college and a full-time job. Funny, while writing this —in my head since my phone had the great idea to die— everything was neat, in impeccable order now the ideas are all over the place. Got so many things to say, so much word to complain yet don’t know where to start…, first and before all, can’t ignore the feeling of writing this as if I’m trapped in a Disney movie, writing an entry for a blog, knowing no one will read to later find how thousands of people notice it the next morning, facing the music: it’s not gonna happen and that’s okay. Not like my literature English skill are the best, I mean, I still struggle with Spanish and is my freaking mother tongue.
Where was I? Ah! Running out of time. Folks, I’m so scared of time, and life (yes, there’s a comma right there). I got in college at the age of sixteen (all bilingual out there, have you notice how easier is to write sixteen in English than Spanish?) and almost eight years after I’m still here without a diploma to brag about, not like is the big deal but for a girl from a low class family in a society where titles are all that matters, getting a diploma is a hella of deal. Don’t get me wrong, you must get some education, that’s what lift and may save humanity but so often we forget to make it work with humanity itself, don’t make me remind you of Terminator.
Eight years in college, it’s been a stressful ride, with gap periods of doing nothing, money limitation, a divorce (my parents, marriage is not on my bucket list) and a bunch stuff that is supposed to happen for the mere fact of being alive. Not gonna lie, it has been making me panic since the beginning of times aka since I was fifteen, sometimes it gets worse and other it just gives me a break. Now? Well, now I’m pretty panic. Before eighteen we believe freedom is at the other side of the rainbow SPOILER! Is not. Being an “adult” is the worst wish I’ve could make when I was little; Peter Pan, take me with you, mate.
Somehow you forget what’s important, responsibilities manage to occupied the whole periphery of your vision (still crying that death by the way. And Peter’s) making you believe life is the wicked pattern other adults set for you and bro, it is not. For example, we forget about passion. I forgot about passion and the realization of it —this morning— got me unaware. Somehow I got trapped in the Youtube dream, what began as a hobby turned into my life’s goal, why? YOU CAN MAKE MONEY AND BE FAMOUS! —insert a big and painful facepalm here please asap—. That’s when it got incredibly and unbelievably wrong. It’s okay to make money, how could I buy those pretty journals and pens I so much love and that cereal? I love those, mate, the problem is when money is the only goal.
When I was little my first passion, the one that chose me was writing, I enjoyed it to bloody much, it filled my lungs, lift my soul and put a big stupid smile on my heart —probably sure there’s a grammatical mistake there, sorry— but it got lost with Youtube, forgotten in the deepest depths of my laptop and that’s just wrong, wrong, wrong! I lost myself —love that song by One Republic— and not just because of one of my cool superpower: getting distracted. I feel the urge of really get my shit together —sorry, really love the word shit, in Spanish too—. I’m not a YouTuber (yet) I first was a writer attempt and I bloody loved it.
And while I was watching Nanatsu no Taizai this afternoon at work —yes, that happened— I came to see —besides how sexy Meliodas is— how I’ve forgotten those things that builds me. Yeah, nice I let go those that hurt every cracked I’ve got myself over the years but hey, we have the incredible miracle of redesigning ourselves and here I’ve been just breathing. Where did go to my favourite music, that long list of anime to watch and the dreams that once upon a time filled my heart? Where did I go?
Maybe this is why I’m writing this and planning to spend thirty more minutes looking for a picture that luckily looks nice and doesn’t get sue to post this even tho no one reads it, because I truly need to find myself and deport the strange being that took my place; this is not who I am. At my own pace, with my own rules and giving a fuck to the world —sorry again, here we first learn how to swear when learning English to be honest— which is easier said than done but hey, the job is not gonna do itself.
I’m scared of time, that’s a fact. Now, I can’t stay whatever time I have left letting that fear controlling me, know why? Fear is just a motto to makes us stand up. The rush that makes me speak in front of people and enjoy it even though my entire body is shaking; is all about going out and make it. Is all about embrace that dream I was so sure about since my nap days and work hard for it.
Tell me, what’s your excuse? You as well are still on time to do whatever it is you want but do not forget to add some drops of realism, knowing your limitation makes it easier to defeat them. Go for it, is what I’m planning to do even if it is in a galaxy far away.
And as they say in Japan: Aloha!